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Long time...

 ...no write...

I've just been insanely busy, in a rotten mood, and I've also been plagued by migraines. Migraines happen to me when I'm highly stressed - which I am now. Work is a bitch! I'm working 50 hours per week at the moment, so that's why I've neglected everybody on here. So sorry =(

Roll on Easter, 4 days off, woop woop!

I'm doing ok with making sure I eat regularly. I've even eaten breakfast lately (which is major for me!). The downside is I have, of course, gained 1lb. Not happy about that, but as long as I don't gain a shit load more I'll be ok. I think. We'll see! (I'm not very convincing am I?)

Well, back to the grindstone...coffee first!

I'll catch up on posts very soon, I promise!

='(

 I don't know whether to cry or to throw a good old fashioned temper tantrum.

Somebody has really really hurt me today; I should of course tell her, but what do I do???

I turn it in, I keep it to myself, I blame myself, and....I skip lunch. Of course! Because that's what you do when somebody else is in the wrong and does something awful. 

I am FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD!

Letter to Kate

Have you ever been so upset with somebody that you wrote them many edited letters which were never sent..?? I have a friend called Kate whom I have so much to say to but can't. So I'm writing her a letter which I'll probably never send .... Could I ever send this..??

Dear Kate,

Firstly, I want to acknowledge that I understand that you're going through a hard time at the moment. Or more accurately, I know you've suffered from bipolar disorder for at least 15 years. I've given so much to you in that time; I do my best to understand (You know I understand depression), I am sympathetic, I research ways to overcome it for you...I listen to you. Even when I am talking to you about issues that are affecting me, and you interrupt (you ALWAYS do that) to tell me about your problems, and you NEVER listen to me. You never did. Ever. But I ALWAYS listen to you. This isn't fair Kate.

Do you think you're the only one with problems?? You certainly act like you do. I'm really fed up of always being there for you (15 years Kate!!) and not have you there for me in return!  Remember when I was in that awful psych unit? No, of course...you didn't visit. I was there for 3 months, and it was a 20 minute drive from your home. However, you ALWAYS expect me to visit when you're unwell, and if I'm unable (because I've been very far away and you were discharged within 2 weeks), what do you do...?? You post a passive aggressive status on facebook. And you text me more aggressively. 

I am trying to understand that this aggression may be a symptom of bipolar, but it seems to be your most prominent symptom and it's very difficult for me to deal with. And it's been there for FIFTEEN YEARS!

What bothers me most is that you reduce my eating disorder to make it seem like something so fucking superficial. You constantly call me a "skinny bitch". Would you like me to call you a "fat bitch"? You are over-weight, but I would NEVER ever call you out like that. Why you need to bitch about me, openly to all our friends, and go so crazy about "all those skinny bitches" is beyond me. If you're not happy with your weight, do something about it. You've been saying this for YEARS! And nothing has changed Kate! So stop blaming me for being thin; I'm not to blame for your low self esteem, but you're fucking KILLING mine. 


OK I could never send this....right..?? But I feel better having laid it out. Even if she never gets to see it. I would love some advice though. She's really hurting me. 
 I'm in bed at 9.50pm on a saturday night...alone (hubby is away). I'm such a f'ing loser! Those 2 glasses of wine I had with my friend last night actually gave me a rotten hangover. Lightweight much???  

I feel so ooolllddd!! 

I want to watch a good movie...any suggestions?? Going to try download something...

Fuck bloating

 I hate this time of the month, 1 week before my period...I always put on 1-2 lbs and every time it freaks me out. I'm bloated like a mother fucker, and even though I know I'm probably the only one who sees it, it still bothers me. 

Sucks...

Feeling ill :(

 I have a reeaalllyyy bad feeling I'm getting the winter vomiting bug :(

And I'm disgusted with myself that all I'm thinking is "way hay I'll probably lose a few more pounds now"!

Fucked. UP!

shattered :(

 I am soooo tired lately. I know a lot of it is down to my not eating enough, of course, but I just seem to be much more unable to carry on with life/work while restricting than I used to be. 

WTF is that all about? Go away old age :(

Work is hard today. Can't wait to get home and go to bed.

Jan. 18th, 2011

 I'm getting a migraine =(

Lots and lots of work related stress lately is probably doing it, plus I'm just not sleeping. I wake quite early so I'm sure depression is rearing it's ugly head. I'm trying to avoid anti depressants because i'm terrified of becoming dependent on them but i don't know what else to do.

On the upside, somebody told me yesterday that I'm "wasting away" and i felt fabulous about it. 

H: 07/01/2011

 Down by 1lb today, wooooo hooooo (and also, uhh ohh)

Ho hum. It's almost the weekend. Finally!

G: 04/01/11

 New year, new start? Hmmmm, let's see. First thing I'm going to do it to try and R.E.L.A.X! Not to get so stressed about every little detail. I'm not sure HOW i'll do that yet.

Spent the christmas/new years with the in-laws, which was really really stressful. It was too long to be there. The "you eat like a bird" comment came up an awful lot. I just wanted to fucking scream at them at times. 

YES!! I know OK???? Can't you just leave me be? You're not even helping, you're just making it worse. Why? Because some of you are so morbidly obese it makes me never want to eat again THAT'S why! 

I would, of course, never say that...but I really wanted to. 

Funny how it's the largest people that make most comments about my "eating like a bird". It's also my largest friends that complain about me being a "skinny bitch" and "ohhh all those shops (river island, topshop), they're only for skinny bitches". Geez thanks. 

Would you like it if I called you a "fat bitch"? Or if "Evans is only for fat bitches"? No! 

Being overweight, even though it IS looked down upon in many ways, I do believe it's still more "acceptable" than being really skinny. 

Anyway, home now, back to normality.

I've lost more weight. Oops. HA, what am I saying, I'm delighted! I'm blaming pneumonia, which is working somewhat. But I'm really struggling because I also DON'T want to lose any more weight. I don't want to go back to hospital, I don't want to go on sick leave, I don't want to upset my hubby and my family. 

I don't think I really know what I want =(

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